Emotion

I am amazed at the crazy things I think, deal with, and wonder about.  Sometimes I think, "Am I the only one feeling this?."  Many people could tell me of course not, but still I wonder. 

I hate change for example, even if I'm confident I'm doing the right thing, I still hate it.  But I also hate doing the same thing over and over.  I feel like a puppy chasing his tail.  For example, I feel the Lord calling me to take another job with less hours to give him more of my time, but now that tomorrow is my last day at my current job, I wonder....what the heck am I doing???  This brings me back to something....

Two years ago- I lived with a wonderful host family and was happy, safe and comfortable there.  Then, He spoke.  He asked me to move.  "WHAT??!?!?!  Why would you not want what I want God???"  But I followed anyway.  And though it was hard at times, and I often wondered why I did it, I would NEVER give up that experience for a million years.  In the moment I didn't see why or understand how, but I gained so much through following him.  I gained two of the most amazing families that pushed me to grow and learn so much in the Lord and that is well worth the tears and stress in the moment. 

See, in the moment we lose our vision.  We wonder why we do things that put us through temporary discomfort and distress.  We blame God and ask why he would challenge us and put us in a hard place, after all, doesn't he love us???.  But that's just it, He loves me so much he's willing to watch me cry and hurt for a moment so he can turn my tears to laughing, my mourning for dancing!  And in the end, I will look at him and say, "God, you are good, and most worthy of praise." 

So here I am, knowing it will all be ok in the end, but still so confused and frustrated in the moment.  I don't want to say goodbye tomorrow to wonderful people I've worked with, crazy kids and awesome families who have brought me so much joy and frustration all at the same time! Though I'm overwhelmed with emotion, tomorrow will come and go.  I will be sad, I will shed tears, and I will ask why.  But I know the outcome this time.  I may wonder....but I won't doubt that He IS good.